Dear Mrs. SUV,

You and I have a lot more in common than I'd like to admit. We both drive SUVs, although mine gets considerably better gas mileage. We both like to park in the "compact cars only" spots in parking garages, but my SUV actually is more compact than most cars. Your Escalade sticks out. We both probably enjoy peering down through the windows of smaller cars beside us at stoplights. It is evident that both of our BMIs are a bit higher than either of us would probably like. You apply makeup while driving, I've seen you. That's ok. I do it too. Although I try to leave the eyeliner job at home. That can get a little messy.

But, Mrs. SUV, there is one glaring difference between us. I know how to cut corners. No, I'm not talking about using a cup less flour when making pie crust, or adding water to my gasoline. I'm talking about staying within my turning lane at an intersection. In the past two days, I have witnessed you and four of your clones cutting people off as you absentmindedly veer into their turning lane. That not-so-faint white line isn't there for you to straddle like you're back in college. You're supposed to stay on your side of it. I have seen the looks of despair, anger and exasperation sweep across your victims' faces as you veer your Monstrosity of Metal all over the damn road. Do your fake nails make it hard for you to accurately turn your steering wheel? Do you think you're in some suburban version of Grand Theft Auto? Well cut your nails and snap back to reality.

I thought I had escaped the likes of you when I left the Metroplex. I was wrong. I guess I can find comfort knowing that, like teenyboppers, SUV Matrons are the same everywhere.

Sincerely,

A Self-Aware SUV Driver