David Sedaris? Hands off! He's mine!

I remember the first time I was aware of learning about David Sedaris. My sister told me about him, as she had borrowed a work friend's copy of Me Talk Pretty One Day. I eventually got around to reading the book, and instantly fell in love with this OCD, awkward, funny little gay man who reached into every corner of my sense of humor, brushing away cobwebs that had grown due to lack of activity. I felt like I had found a new best friend. I envisioned us gossiping, reliving separate childhood memories that were equally mortifying, going through our yearbooks and pointing out the jerks from high school that we hoped hadn't made it very far in life. He's the kind of person you can do these things with.

Then one afternoon I heard him on NPR, and I immediately recognized his voice as one that had made me riot with laughter many times before on the station.

My love affair with David grew, and I was unsurprised but very disappointed to learn that pretty much everyone and their gay best friend loved him, too. Although I delighted in sharing with my friends my favorite "david stories," I wished it could be between him and me. I was ecstatic for him that he had bestsellers and was touring the country. But...that made our relationship that much less special. It was on one of these book tours that my delusions came to a head. My good friends Kim and Zach decided to drive with me to a Barnes and Noble in Dallas for a book signing. I honestly didn't think that many people would go. Not because I doubted the strength of David's humor and popularity, but because I'm an expert at lying to myself and thinking that it'll be the four of us sipping coffee at a small table and having him regale us with tales from Paris.

The Barnes and Noble was packed, and I became fevered with disappointment. After waiting in line about an hour, the three of us decided to call it a day. We had heard him read live, and that was good enough.

My sister called me last night to let me know he was going to be on David Letterman, promoting his new book When You Are Engulfed in Flames, which I of course already have. I have YouTubed video clips of David on the Letterman Show, but seeing him live on the tv set chatting David to David and doing a reading made me finally realize my hopes for our relationship will never come to be.

I guess now I'll have to focus all of my energy on Larry David.