A Song

The time to pack up and leave is rapidly approaching. I seem to be doing a lot of "lasts." I just had my last Friday at work yesterday. My last drunken Friday evening in Dallas with the best good friends. Today we are getting ready for the going away party here tomorrow, as well as me getting moving stuff done. It's a pretty busy day, and I'm feeling the need for a red bull here in a few. Last night was an immense amount of fun. We rocked the margaritas.

Sirius radio is having a Memorial Day Rock Block weekend, where they're playing several songs by the same artist in a row. I love this. I used to love rock blocks on KZPS, and this is very similar. On the way to Dallas last night, they played "World at Large" by Modest Mouse. This is one of my faves by MM, and I was really focusing on the lyrics. I found them to be very pertinent and understanding to my current situation. They are copied below.


Ice-age heat wave, can't complain.
If the world's at large, why should I remain?
Walked away to another plan.
Gonna find another place, maybe one I can stand.
I move on to another day,
to a whole new town with a whole new way.
Went to the porch to have a thought.
Got to the door and again, I couldn't stop.
You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way.

Well uh-uh baby I ain't got no plan.
We'll float on maybe would you understand?
Gonna float on maybe would you understand?
Well float on maybe would you understand?

The days get shorter and the nights get cold.
I like the autumn but this place is getting old.
I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.
It might not be a lot but I feel like I'm making the most.
The days get longer and the nights smell green.
I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

I like songs about drifters - books about the same.
They both seem to make me feel a little less insane.
Walked on off to another spot.
I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want.
Did I want love? Did I need to know?
Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?

The moths beat themselves to death against the lights.
Adding their breeze to the summer nights.
Outside, water like air was great.
I didn't know what I had that day.
Walk a little farther to another plan.
You said that you did, but you didn't understand.

I know that starting over is not what life's about.
But my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth.
My thoughts were so loud.

I like this because it address this innate desire to pick up and leave, all the while knowing that doing so won't solve your problems. I know all of the personality defects I have (and want to change) aren't going to magically get left behind as I travel through the Mojave desert to Oregon. I've still got baggage. I'll still lose my stuff. I'll still be late everywhere I go. Nothing is really going to change. But like I said one time, I feel like I'm going nowhere, and I'd like to go somewhere to do it. And while that's not entirely true (feeling like I'm going nowhere), I did finally realize life doesn't happen to you. Yes, there are plenty of things that occur in one's lifetime they don't necessarily have control over. But life doesn't just happen. Being alive isn't about living in a passive voice. Sometimes you just gotta reach out, grab what you want to do, and make it happen. And that's what I'm trying to do.